


Lost Boy

by MaeTaurus



Series: Blue Neighborhood [11]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-12 07:08:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16868410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaeTaurus/pseuds/MaeTaurus
Summary: Dan and Phil have a plan to come out, but can Dan go through with it?





	Lost Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Troye Sivan's song, Lost Boy, from his album, Blue Neighborhood.
> 
> Originally posted to Tumblr on January 1, 2017.

Dan thought he was ready, he thought he could do this. He and Phil had talked it over many times. They hadn’t written a script because they wanted it to be more natural but they’d discussed what they wanted to say and Phil had made a few notes on a sheet of paper so they wouldn’t forget. Dan had gone to his room to get dressed while Phil set up the camera but once he was alone, Dan’s mind started racing and he could see all the possible negative outcomes and now he was terrified.

When Phil finished setting everything up and noticed Dan hadn’t returned, he started to wonder what was keeping him. “Dan?” he called, walking across the hall to Dan’s room. He frowned when he saw Dan sitting on his bed, still in his pajamas. “I thought you were getting dressed.”

“I can’t do this,” Dan mumbled, though he knew Phil would hear him. He didn’t look up, too worried to find out which expression Phil would be wearing. Anger, sadness, or disappointment, none of them sounded very good.

Phil sighed. They’d had this argument countless times over the last few weeks. He was ready to come out, to tell all their fans that he and Dan were together, but he knew Dan was more hesitant than he was. “Why not?”

He shrugged and bit his lip. “I just know it won’t go over well. People will unsubscribe and send us hate. We could lose our jobs with the BBC.”

“Dan, we’ve already talked to the producers about it. They know we’re together and they don’t care. And they know we’ve been considering coming out and they’re all supportive. And so what? So what if a few people unsubscribe? Is it really worth hiding our relationship forever?”

Dan closed his eyes, now fighting off tears. “I dunno Phil, maybe.”

Phil groaned in frustration. “We have it all planned out. We’ve already decided to do it so let’s just do it. We can film the video and edit it and if you watch it back and don’t like it then we won’t post it.”

Dan lifted his head to look at Phil. “I said no. I’m not doing it. I’m just not ready.”

He sighed. He didn’t want to pressure Dan into coming out if he didn’t want to but at the same time, Phil was afraid of the strain keeping this a secret was putting on their relationship. They had only told their immediate family members and a few very close friends. They had to watch what they said in videos and in liveshows. They could never even hold hands at parties with other YouTubers just in case someone was vlogging. Phil wasn’t a fan of public displays of affection but he wanted to be able to hold his boyfriend’s hand as they walked to get coffee, or compliment him in public.

“Okay,” Phil finally said.

“What? That’s it? Aren’t you angry?”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to be angry with you?”

Dan shook his head. “No, of course I don’t want that but I thought you would be.”

“I’m tired of being angry about this. We’ve been fighting for months already and I’m just tired. I want to do it now but you don’t and I have no choice but to respect that. I’m not going to force you or pressure you. Ultimately it’s a decision you have to make on your own.”

Dan opened his mouth like he was going to say something but decided against it and closed his mouth instead.

Phil sighed and left Dan’s room without another word. He put away the camera and crumpled up the piece of paper he’d made notes on, throwing it against the wall in anger.

Dan felt awful. He knew how badly Phil wanted to come out, how much Phil hated keeping it a secret from everyone. Of course he knew, Phil had told him more than once how important it was to him. Phil had even shared his worries that hiding would eventually tear them apart. If he was honest with himself, Dan could feel it happening too but there was nothing he could do. He was too scared of what their audience would say and how they would react. Dan knew most of them would be supportive and understanding but he was terrified of the backlash they would receive from media. They were already constantly paired together and considered a package deal but if everyone knew they were dating then there was no way that would ever stop.

He hadn’t realized it but tears had started falling down his cheeks. Dan wiped them away but it was useless, more tears quickly replaced them. He crawled under the covers and curled up in a ball, trying to make himself as small as he could.

Phil tried to distract himself by playing a game on his phone but then he heard Dan crying in the next room. He frowned but didn’t move, unsure if Dan would even want his comfort right now.

After twenty minutes Phil couldn’t take it. He got up and went to Dan’s room, knocking gently before walking in. “Dan?” Phil said softly.

Dan sniffled when he heard Phil’s voice and squeezed his eyes shut, not saying anything.

“Dan can I come in?” When Dan still didn’t respond, Phil walked closer to his bed. He placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder, offering him a small amount of comfort and silently asking for permission to give more.

A sob escaped Dan’s lips and he broke down.

Phil pulled the covers back just enough to slip in behind Dan, his arms immediately going around Dan’s torso and pulling him close in a warm hug.

Dan calmed down after a while, still crying but no longer sobbing. “I don’t want us to break up. I don’t want to lose you,” he mumbled.

“We won’t. You won’t,” Phil said firmly, tightening his grip slightly to prove his point. “I’m right here, and I’m not leaving you.”

“But you said that keeping us a secret would tear us apart. And you’re right, it is. I don’t want that to happen. Fuck, I really don’t want that to happen. But I can’t Phil, I can’t come out right now. I want to, I really fucking do but I just can’t.” Dan started sobbing again. He put his head down and rested his forehead on Phi’s arm that was on his chest.

“Shh, shh it’s okay,” Phil whispered. He used his other hand to play with Dan’s hair soothingly. “That won’t happen. I don’t care what I have to do but I’m not going to let that happen. It’ll all be okay, I promise.” He knew it was an empty promise, that he couldn’t just somehow keep their relationship from falling apart but he could see how upset Dan was. Phil could see how much this was eating at Dan, how conflicted and lost he felt. “It’ll be okay,” Phil whispered again, though he wasn’t sure if it would be.


End file.
